Is there a place for an open and frank discussion on sex in the church?

Sex in marriage

I would be the first to say yes. But the truth is can we really be that open about sex?

Even with friends and family we struggle. In my own experience it’s only my friends who are not Christian’s that really open up about sex. It is like we never get over the “sex before marriage is a sin hush hush” even after we marry.

During marriage counselling I was given a book – The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim F. LaHaye and Beverly LaHaye and this was supposed to get me sorted. But what if I read the book followed the instructions and things don’t work out as planned? I am not supposed to watch porn or erotica as a Christian soooo…….. What next.  I was told sex is an instinct when you get there you would know what to do. Really that simple?  Then why are so many people getting it wrong.

Sex is a big deal, even amongst matured people. The truth is that not very one is comfortable talking about it and if you are not comfortable talking about it there is no way you can give advice on it because sex is private, very private and very individual so what might work for you, might not tick my box.  Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all approach so just giving a broad talk about the subject might not solve the problem for everyone.

Also a basic Q &A session at a marriage seminar might not also do the trick as people are really too shy to go down and dirty in public.  Besides the unmarried also have a right to know about sex.

(I have a friend who ended a relationship because her boyfriend confessed to having had sexual thoughts about her and she felt that in itself was dirty and showed he had no regard for her and wasn’t really born again. Talk about misinformed).

A highly spiritual marriage counsellor might not be the best person to talk about sex because being spiritual and knowing about sex might not in itself correlate. Now I am not saying that spiritual people are not sexual. I am just saying that being spiritual is not all you need to be a good marriage counsellor. I have seen many a friend express disappointments at the sexual counselling they received during the preparation for marriage. I have even seen some go ahead to become scared of sex in marriage seeing it as something to be endured “cause you have to give it to him when even he wants it, so your man would not stray”.  To that I say I am not a robot.

Some people might not fully understand this post. But I come from an environment where religion is so often mixed with culture that the lines have become blurred. All I hear is how to please your man etc etc. .

  • Sex in marriage is often portrayed as a duty you have to perform whether you want to or not to ward of infidelity.
  • Oral sex is portrayed as dirty.

The truth is that

  • Women enjoy sex too. It’s not only about the man.
  • Some men really need to learn how to do it.  Just sticking it in doesn’t mean you are doing it right.
  • Some women have a higher sexual drive than their partners
  • Many women do not enjoy sex. Not because of their inability to but because their man isn’t just doing it right. (I am not talking about women who have a sexual disorder)

Marriage is a union between two people. It is not about one person or the other it’s about the two of you.  Sex should be about the two of you coming together to do what you are both comfortable with. What you do and how far down and dirty you are prepared to go (within the guidance of the bible) is entirely up to you. Whether it be  missionary or hanging of a pole.

A friend of mine once suggested that all the young married couples should get together and have a frank thought about sex in marriage. I would be glad to oblige but even between the two of us we struggled to find 5 other couples that would be willing to open up.

What is your opinion?

22 thoughts on “Is there a place for an open and frank discussion on sex in the church?

  1. Humm this is pure hush hush… London mama on a B…. Good girls dnt talk abt this in public and expecially not in church.. But this is why good girls hubbys r looking for bad girls.. Well sex is given by God to be enjoyed by married couples n couples shld take time to understand each other n be open about sexuality.. Truly its not a one size fits all kinda thingy..

  2. As you said,sex is very private for alot of people .me included.
    If you are fulfilled and satisfied..I don’t see a need talking about it.
    Communication is key between partners.i read somewhere once to always ask what you want and not assume the other is a mind reader
    It might come up in bridal showers but that is mostly to ease the bride into knowing what to expect.most friends talk about it when they are having problems or not enjoying as intended by God.

  3. Thank you Mira , i was thinking about this the other day and i was wondering how come the church only scrap the surface when it comes to sexual relationship and how come people are not allow to ask deep question about sex within the relationship.

    I for one know that most of the relationship programs, i went to mainly talk about how to build a Godly home, cater of your husband and children, which is all good but never about your sexual satisfaction and how to find the position/ way the suit you best.

    Some may say that sex is not Godly and should not be talked about, Please Please, Go back to Genesis. As long as you a in the process of marriage or married sex should be freely and openly talk about in church and also between Sisters in depth.

    I am getting hook—soon and really i will like the church to step up on the sex talk.

  4. As many as are led by the spirit of God they are the sons and daugthers of God.
    I believe sex is spiritual because God created us in His image and likeness and asked the man to multiply… Whatever God made was good and it was for the couples Adam and Eve to enjoy it. So if sex was not good, God would not add that to the menu. But when man sinned, and the devil ruled him, the devil perverted every good thing God created.
    Nowadays, we enter into one relationship or the other because we don’t seek God’s guidance and leading in the choice of our partners. Because if we did, you will be naked as Adam and Eve were to each other. Naked in the sense that, being open and transperent to every issue of life, sex and whatever you can attribute it to. Also, sex was not meant for unmarried couples, sex is a covenant, its got more significance spiritually than physically. We are spirits, and God is a Spirit also, but we dwell on the physical and forget about the spiritual. You don’t really need to be taught how to have sex, just like no one taught you were your mouth is, to put the food there or how to chew it, you spiritual nature knows what to do. Its called spiritual wisdom. Live by it and that same spirit of yours will lead you aright and you partner will tell you what he/she wants according to what she’s led or feels per time by her own spirit nature. Be led always by the Spirit of God. Also I don’t see anywhere in the scriptures what style you should use. Let the divinity of God in you led u.
    Sex is private to those who want it private. God says my people perish because of lack of knowledge. Please acquire knowledge and share it with whom you feel free to share with…but if there’s none… Share with the Holy Spirit, our helper and comforter and teacher and guardian.

  5. Ok! I don’t really have a say here as I am nt married or anythin like dat but ill share my thoughts anyways!!!

    I got a recepie to make a perfect madeira cake. I got all the ingredients and put so much effort into making it. Followed the cooking instructions but to my surprise it was a disaster! Cake never rose and I didn’t get the madeira cake I wanted. But people that had followed that recepie left comments saying they had amazing cakes. This is just to say sometimes you read somethin and follow instruction but it just doesn’t work out for you as it has worked for others! I have always doubted if all these books on relationship, marriage, sex ect are actually as helpfull as people think (not that I have read any). I really doubt a book is enough to learn about sex!
    If we assume that both man and woman are inexperienced before marriage then there could be a potential disaster ℓ☺ℓ!!

    I suppose if sex is crap in the marriage both man nd woman should make an effort to improve things and make it work! If too embarassed to talk or ask for help… Well tough luck enjoy crappy sex for the rest of ur life! I just thinkin loving each other also implies wanting to satify each other sexually. Its nt just one person’s responsibility!

    And yes we should be more open about the topic generally but I think it will never happen. It’s such a big tabu!

  6. hahahahaha me i cant stop laughing oo.
    Okay Mira, we all know (well except if ur have stoned emotions) that when the issue of sex comes up (say book, friends jisting, tv, wherever) you kinda be somehow..

    Okay christianity clearly frowns fornicaton.. thus, if counsellors start teaching unmarried spouses…my daryln we r humans.. they may want to practice what they learnt.

    Now I agree with you that there should be an enlightenement.. But I must say that MUST BE after both are married..there is no benefit teaching single couples how to do it when they cant do it yet, it wil help though but will drive their emotions wild. Also, it is the responsibilities of both couples to develop themselves and understand themselves intimately.

    Therefore, my conclusion. The church can have marriage retreat fot MARRIED COUPLES where sex topic can be discussed. With unmarried couples going for counseling, I belief THEY SHOULD UNDERSTAND THEMSELVES THEMSELVES.
    What Mr Counsellor may love with mrs counsellor may not be what the counselling couples (unmarried) may love..

  7. @Kemi In this world except you are blind,deaf and dumb you are exposed to sexual content everyday. Typing the word ‘porn’ in a search engine gives you “1,680,000,000” results in 12 seconds all with free access no registration need. Believe me if you are going to be tempted you would be. It isn’t a frank talk on sex that would get you tempted.

    What you are proposing is medicine after death. In church’s ideal scenario, both people coming into the marriage would be virgins so as Bridgets says you might have the manual but assembling that IKEA bed might not be as easy as ABC. Your wedding night should be at least one of the best nights of your life not one riddled with disappointment. There are even people that have problems about sex but are not given the opportunity to voice out it is only after they marry that the problem comes to light. Why are so many children in church experimenting or are we going to say they are all virgins. Because we all get to a stage where our body starts to secrete hormones and instead of us to face it head on and address how to manage our hormones we are told to hush hush.

    Being able to talk about sex frankly with your partner takes time. It takes time to build intimacy. I have spoken to alot of young couples who say they started sex first with the lights off and then it grew to lights on. It takes time to shed your inhibitions, someone told me it took her over 6 months to enjoy sex in marriage and she had to run to the Internet for help. Another friend of mine told me that since she gave birth she hasn’t been interested in sex and where did I refer her to the glorious internet (mummy forums) (And probably the help she got was from a non-Christian). That’s why the bible says “ and they where naked and where not ashamed” because God realises the vulnerability in nakedness. We need to have our expectations managed right. Why cant we address the issue before it’s a problem. “

  8. I clearly understand Mira.. with the world now, its hard to avoid any sexual thing. but why avoiding it, while must we be exposed to more???of course during courtship, you two can takl about some intimate things… but nt to intimate to lead you to it itself.God can not be mocked, what a man sow, that will he reap.

    Well, to be honest with you…there is no advise someone will give you about how to enjoy your husband.. the truth is, they may give some information…but the point to enjoy him to the fullest is for you to discover.. that’s where communication (effective) one is required.
    Its just like counsellors advising you on marriage… that is information.. u have to know with God’s help what your marriage neeed (of course with the help of you’re patner)..

    • Well kemi u have a point n a valid point.. Emotions is something that r easily built up expecially by tlking, as a single girl I dnt even wanna talk abt it or see it or think it?? Why?? Bcs its so volatile “body no be wood” we v to be careful what we expose our kids to.. While its necessary for children n young adults to know abt sex its uses n proper place its not necessary for them to know how its done.. And how to maximize its benefits.. Now d ideal that d wedding night “sex” shld be d best night is not scriptural.. Number one sex is a discovery btw a couple it cnt be discovered in one night expecially after all d fatigue of d wedding day n pre wedding days.. Nobody can teach u intimacy it has to be developed so u see that all those sparkle is in d mind of d mills n boon writers aka hollywood story/romance. n then where is d place of d sweet Holy Spirit our dependable helper n teacher our maker that knows our bodies well.. He ll teach us all things even bettere than all our cancellors n books n internet.. But we even get to spritual for God atimes to tlk abt such things but rememeber in Isa 54 where He says He our maker is or husband.. So He cares abt that n that’s why He gave us sex to be enjoyed in marriage but the world has polluted it n so we v many issues related to it.. .. But its not possible to v that mind blowing sex on d wedding night bcs d couples dnt know anything abt each otherr.. And a situation where people v been experimenting n reading n watching n seeing things they now v expectations they want to be met forgetiing that d stories they heard r not 1st day stories. Btoom line dnt get involved in pre marital sex.. Then u dnt v anything to compare ur partner with……..

  9. @kemi and Natural efik chick. I understand your point. However I never said teach people how to have sex. Have a frank and open discussion about it. My marriage counselor was very open. She spoke about expectations, positions things they have tried and not tried working with your body, intimacy, understanding each other etc, etc, they openness made us feel at ease and we where able to open up and talk to her.
    However pretending that teenagers and singles don’t have sexual urges is just self-denial. Helping them understand how to deal with it is the best possible solution. When I was growing up simply speaking about it was corrupt, however it is simply biology whether we like it or not. Children might not understand you but they would definitely imitate so the best thing is to make sure they understand. According to statistics the rate of divorce in the church has risen to 42% (this isn’t all because of sex). So the church cannot afford to stay quiet on the hard-hitting issues.
    Also regard teenagers and young people; research says females who first had sex in their teens had roughly double the risk of divorce later in life (http://virginpride.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/divorce-rate-and-those-who-wait-to-have.html) . So why don’t we educate them early instead of letting them get taught at school or getting influenced by friends.

    • @London mama on o budget I think we both agree with you on d sex education ( we = kemi n I) but we seem to have 2 topics odf discussions interwined here..one is sex education which is very necessary for kids, teenagers n young adults and 2nd topic sex n intimacy in marriage. While in d 1st we v to teach this children abt the changes they ll experiend n what to expects n also the oros n cons of indulging and how to keep themselves away from temptation.. In pre marriage classes they teach couples what to expect n how to deal with certain issues but onli n only practice makes perfect..

  10. hmmmmmmm guys guys. sorry i came in really late. talking about sex hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i see all your comments and none is actually wrong. like Bridget mention earlier paraphrasing her words. I am not married either but i will share my opinion. SEX SEX hmmmmmmmmmmm. growing up where i am from. we were not allowed to talk about boy friends not to mention SEX. i remember during my counselling i did asked a question about sex when it came to the sex topic. Mira you are lucky to get books to read on sex. i was not given that opportunity. instead a friend recommended this books you listed which actually opened my eyes to few things. what i have noticed in churches is that sex is a taboo. let us dont talk about sex let just romance round the surface of sex and the rest the holy spirit will teach you what to do. i was told that in few word during my counselling. and i thought to my self is that all. i was not expecting an oral discussion on sex but i wanted at least some basics.

    in the beginning when God created Adam and Eve. he told them to multiply right? what did God mean. how would they have multiplied if they did not come together. Sex brought this multiplication. before i go ahead. i am very sure that we all believe that fornication and adultery is a SIN. right just need to clear that. we are talking about the communication of sex in marriage and for those heading towards that. right. i personally believe that God created sex and it is his gift from him to married couples and gave the married couples the ability to enjoy sex not only for reproduction but a way for husbands and wife to bond and experience intimacy. please take out time to read pro5:15 and 18:19.

    in saying all this i see no reason why the church especially in counselling and also for couples who are experience sex problem in their marrieges should shy away from talking about sex. i am not saying that couples should discuss about their sex experience with their spouse with their friends. i personally think that it is rude but the church should please teach us so that we don’t go out there to learn from the world. there are now books on intimacy written by christian authors but more can be done. I have a friend who is struggling in his marriage because he is not getting the satisfaction he needs from home. they have been for married counselling but it still persists. so in this case what can be done. in most marriages this days you will be shocked and surprise to know that aside communication sex is a big problem.

    we can talk about the problems but we need a solution which i feel we can personally find our self if we don’t get it from the source we expect it to come from. it is the Bible. it has lot to talk about sex especially the book of proverbs.

    • lol Franca and Mira.
      I was stalking your blog and reading old comments *bored*
      Franca is your friend still having the issues?
      Some couples are too spiritual.if they can`t discuss sex in the intimacy of their marriage.God help them.

  11. lololololololololol.but this is true we dont ask the Holy Spirit to teach us about things like sex. I believe reading books helps to an extent. giving you a foundation knowledge but on that wedding night infact before then i will ask the Holy Spirit to teach i and my husband. this thing is constantly learnt. you find out each day want you like. how you want to be touched. teaching children about sex at an early age is important. teach girls about sex will protect them from been abuse and to openly tell u when they r been touched wrongly. There are some churches that are open about sex there is this particular pastor i think his name is Eddy HE is soooo open about it. now the main question is how do u get ur church to discuss this issue . its well

  12. Weldone Mira, – I think this issue is a very paramount one on the minds of a lot of people. I for one have thought about it, If you’ll like people to come together to speak about it am number one on the list because this issue has to be gotten right. Cheers

  13. hmm m…..wow its funny that you can be sexually active for donkey years and still not get it right.who teaches who about sex?i liked d comment someone made that reading books is not enough,that is soooo true.there need to be forums where you can talk about it.i got talking with a friend who i now call my ssm(sexual spiritual mentor) cos she is so real and down to earth about this things.there is no body that doesn’t need help and you learn from each other ,if you cant talk to someone what do you do?you self destruct .i have friends who have indulged in so many extramarital affairs cos of lack of satisfaction sexually and then i tell them a little cream a little gel a little this and that can go a long way.why do men go after bad gals?why do men go after prostitutes?do u think dis gals at times don’t get tired of sex?dey do but as its der job dey study and talk n learn new tricks .if your always tired der is help ,if ur always non stimulated der is help etc why die in silence .its funny people find it so much more easy to talk to strangers about this issues than their partner or friends

    • I just love your comment. We as Christians especially pentecostal,really like to pretend that we are too spiritual to have challenges. We hear our pastors say they never quarrel with their wife’s and we don’t think about this statement but plunge head long. That is why I stated that the only person I can really talk to about challenges and sex is my friend who isn’t pentecostal. We can be open and express ourselves. Having a challenge is not a sin, admitting you have one isn’t a sin as well. That is the thing the evangelicals do the best “grace” . We feel admitting weakness is a sin. I know a bro that had to leave the pentecostal church and run to a church where grace was so freely accepted because his marriage had failed and no one could accept that as a Christian there can be some situations that cant be resolved or that people have really really terrible problems. we are brothers and sisters in Christ we are supposed to accept, trust and encourage each other not judge.

  14. Pingback: OMG! They Are Getting Married 4 | She Loves to Rant

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