I have just finished reading “sleep is for the weak” a blog her book. It consists of various excerpts from several mummy blogs and I simply loved it. Mums who didn’t take their self too seriously, mums who spoke the truth from the heart and said all the things we didn’t hear at the baby shower. Secrets that other mums should have let us into really but they were busy hoarding.
So I would now share my own truths about motherhood for all my soon to be mothers out here this is my truths.
Haemorrhoids – Gotcha, I can hear you saying what is this? How does this affect me? You see all you natural birth preachers. This is goes hand in hand with the territory. When you force 3 kg down a little hole, the law of gravity is applied and down comes the butt hole. Little red angry lumps in nice little clusters and the total bliss about them is that they never go away. Yes they can reduce in size, but they are there, loitering in the background waiting for the day they can come back and say gotcha.
Breast Feeding – I always took breast-feeding for granted never thought much of it. I think a lot of people sort of feel it’s an instinct like sex and you would always know what to do. So when I got loads of books and guides for breast-feeding I just ignored it. How bad can it be I thought? Thankfully my Little one was hungry bugger and proceeded to suck every 30 minutes for the rest of his life until my life descended in to one feed fest, wake up breast feed , sleep breast feed , toilet breast feed where did the day go? I guess I should be happy that I didn’t have problems with breastfeeding and my baby took to it like a fish out of water, because I have loads of friends whose babies didn’t take to breast feeding at all (before then I never knew that was possible I thought breast feeding support was a place women went to gossip). They went to all the classes followed all the instructions but nothing they just had to give up. The truth is that I consider them the lucky ones. So far you can express breast milk and give to your baby, your baby is still getting all the goodness and you get to skip the dreaded getting your baby to stop breastfeeding stage. Now my little one feels he owns my breast and takes every opportunity to stake his claim. Dare I accidentally show my breast and he is on it like lighting. He would reach for it and put it in his mouth, sometimes just for licks, a bite, pinch or whatever tickles his fancy. So now I much keep it hidden away for life. Even at night when I am sleeping if it accidentally slips out of my gown. He is at it in a flash. He just puts it in his month and falls asleep. My DH has concluded that it must have a smell that only he can smell. (Yes I co-sleep and you can judge me all you like but I am too tired to care)
Don’t be a B-t-h – You see all those mums you used to judge and roll your eyes at, yes those mums you couldn’t believe let their child cry in public, eat sand, not comb her hair or walk about naked. You are now that mum. People would judge you too, because children would not always do as you say. SIMPLE. No matter how much you plead, bribe and try to reason. Sometimes they don’t understand, they simply want to experiment and no matter what you say to them there is no reasoning with them.
Body Issues – Ah where do I start from, expanding waist lines, bigger shoe size, droopy breast, excess skin on the tummy, sadly sometimes your body never recovers. People would say if you only just exercise, eat right etc etc, my reply. If I only just had a nanny, a nutritionist, if I wasn’t so sleep deprived, if I didn’t have to go to work. If if if
Sleep is a luxury. FULL STOP. People say it gets better. THEY LIE. You just learn how to survive on as little sleep as possible without killing anyone.
Your relationship with your husband would change – Whether you like it or not your relationship with your husband would change as someone who is incapable of helping themselves takes first priority. You know you promised not to be like all those couples, you said you would make an effort. Well! welcome to the real world. You try to make an effort to the outside world. I wouldn’t go out with my hair not combed, no baby vomit on my dress, two left legs of shoes not acceptable etc etc. However when you get back home into your sanctuary hummmmmmmmmmm.
Sex – You can say goodbye to your fifty shades of grey days. Except you are having sex as an Olympic sport where you are aiming for a gold medal that kind of sex is a thing of the past say good bye to it. The good thing is that you would be too tired to miss it. You see having sex while listening out for the baby’s cries or with the baby monitor by your side listening to your baby breathing sort of takes all the “kinky fuckery” out of it.
Your relationship with your friends would change – Guess what you no longer have anything in common. You would stop getting invites to fun things you said you would never stop doing because you have cancelled about 100 times people would just assume you are too busy to come. And then you stop having a life. All you do is baby, work baby, maybe husband and more baby, then feel guilt that you don’t have enough time for baby (working mums syndrome)
Your relationship with your GP would change – Some days I feel like telling my GP : “you know I work, I too have a responsible job, I also have a master’s degree, I am not a numskull or a hypochondriac. Yes he was running temperature when I was in the waiting room but as soon as he saw you temperature disappeared. You should be happy you are a miracle worker instead of looking at me like I have lost my mind. Do you think a trip to the GP’s office is my idea of a fun day out?”
Google is not your friend – My mum once told me that it was the internet and I that were raising my child. Even the GP asks me if I have googled it. But you see google is so ambiguous. Your baby can end up being diagnosed with anything from cancer to food poisoning in 0.54 seconds and the treatments can range from do nothing to rush him to A and E. A simple search for “baby has” results in About 708,000,000 results in 0.54 seconds. And what mothers are searching for ….
You know how they tell you that once you see your baby you would love it soo much. What they neglect to tell you is with that love comes fear. The fear that you could totally mess this child up. The fear that you can’t protect it from every little thing. The responsibility that is all so consuming. The job description that has no retirement plan.
They say you can never understand the love of a mother until you have your own children. Now I understand and I know that no matter how much I try to explain this stuff. Until you have a kid you just won’t get it. I LOVE YOU MUM.