Wedding Fever

I have a serious case of wedding fever. I have 4 weddings to attend over 2 months. All the weddings are of very close friends. I am getting excited over clothes, shoes , colours etc. and my bank balance is suffering but ladies you are worth it :-).

Anyways, this is my light-hearted 2 cents to my friends. If you want something more heavy you can read the OMG they are getting married series.. So here we go

1- Be happy

Don’t let the little things steal your joy. You are tidy – he is messy, so what? as long as you are together just enjoy it.
Dont let stupid things break your happiness

2- Have fun

Guard the fun in your relationship. Have a relationship where you can act like complete idiots together without being ashamed. Do not forget what you had before you got married. Do not let it get boring.
lets crawl under a big blanket and watch movies

3- Enjoy the change

Yes things have changed – you can’t hog the TV any more, you have someone snoring in your ears, you haven’t spoken to your friends in ages (including me). Keep calm and enjoy the change. That is life for you.
Things Change. And friends leave. and live doesn't stop for anyone

4- Be fulfilled

You wanted this, now you have it so shut up and be fulfilled.
choose to be fulfilled

5- Be complete
I cant say this enough. Let your spouse complete you – let them be enough for you. Don’t compare. Don’t waiver in your belief in them. Completely accept them. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to change bad behaviour. Love all aspects of them. It’s all those dynamics that makes them who they are.

two can be complete without the rest of the world

Love ya XOXO

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Summer Worries – Hot Pants or Wedding

Summer worries@shelovestorant

When planning my summer holiday, I thought my greatest worry would be which hot pants to wear or which sandals would be stable enough to push a buggy in. I didn’t anticipate that my great summer worry would be if I was married or not.

Yep I can see you doing the maths, She blogged about being married – I thought she was married. Well so did I. And here comes the long story. I got married in a church back home. Bach home churches can apply for a license to conduct marriages and issue a certificate in the way the Church of England would do. After the ceremony you are issued two certificates. One for you and the second to submit at your local government registry for their own record. Which we did and have pictures of swearing the oath at the registry.

In other to plan this summer holiday we need to get a visa and the embassy in questions requires our marriage certificate to be authenticated by the our High Commission. Turns out the High Commission have a policy not to authenticate certificates from churches as there is literally a church on every street in Africa. I do sympathize with them, however it is the same government that is giving these churches authority to conduct ceremonies and issuing them personalised marriage certificates and to make matters worse the local registry can’t find their record. Yep they still haven’t heard of computers every thing is written down somewhere in a great book (which we filled out and signed 3 years ago) which they are still trying to locate.

So we are battling a classic third world problem – government departments with several conflicting policy, missing records and no one that can be held to account except the invisible “oga at the top”. Everyone keeps saying blame the system,  it is the system,  as if the system isn’t being run by someone  – it’s an invisible hand of power wielding it out on us all.

I am now left wondering am I married or not. Funny enough my marriage certificate is recognised by the UK government. I have been trying to get this sorted for over two weeks and It’s just so annoying.

Anyway as the saying goes “every disappointment is a blessing” at least now I am single in some countries, I can upgrade on the husband front 🙂.  I can plan another wedding.  This would probably be the wedding of my dreams since the first one was almost totally out of my control. #SummerWedding who is in?

Image credit for the amazing J’Aton Coutu dress

OMG! They Are Getting Married 4

Disclaimer –  If you are looking for a post about a nice girl who went on to become the perfect wife please look away now. I don’t come out of this smelling of roses :-(.

Two weeks ago I started a marriage series. I  decided to get some of my friends to share the challenges they encountered in the early days of marriage. So far 3 people have shared. You can catch up on the series  here. OMG! They are getting married Part 1 – Naomi Falusi, OMG! They are getting married Part 2 – Sarah Mbadiwe, OMG! They are getting married Part 3 – Bayo Daniels. So here we go with my experience which I have titled

OMG he did what? He decided to marry her 😯

I have been somewhat apprehensive about writing this post because I am not sure how much to share . I find it very difficult to lie or sugarcoat the truth. Once I start writing it all comes tumbling out. There for everyone to see forever.  My relationship is so complex, it has even me tied up in knots. I would try not to bore you and keep it as simple as possible and not repeat stuff said in previous posts.

traditional nigerian wedding pictures

Relationships last longer because 2 people made a choice to keep it, fight for it and work at it.

I met my husband when I was at Uni. His cousin and I where in the church choir. She thought we would make a lovely match and decided to introduce us. A decision I am sure she must have regretted over the course of our very complex relationship. When we met I was just 17 and marriage was the last thing on my mind. My husband however ever said from the beginning that he knew he was going to marry me. Sadly, the relationship didn’t work out then, he was a party boy who loved a drink and after one to many I just couldn’t take it anymore so I bailed. We didn’t really see or talk much for the next two years although I remained friends with his cousin and sisters. I went on to date someone else (who I actually thought I would marry) and so did he.  However our respective relationships didn’t really work out.  Till today I don’t know what made him call me out of the blue,  I think it was my 19th or 2oth birthday when he called.  I remember him saying to me “this is the year we are going to make it work”.

couple fightsGiving it a go: I would like to think I gave it my best shot. I had  pretty bleak views on men. I am not sure at what age I started to shape my views, I know age 9 I was already telling my mum that I had no use for them and would rather have a child out-of-wedlock than get married. I had met men both my age and those supposed to be in position of authority who had tried to take advantage of me and I thought I knew what all men where after and my reasoning was  “if you could just string them along, keep them wanting you can manipulate them for as long as you want”.  Couple that with the attention seeking nature of a middle child (I was bang in the middle of 6 siblings and never really found my voice as a child) plus a choleric temperament and I am not sure there are any polite words for what you get. I think the only thing that saved the relationship is ; I am by nature a very caring person so once in a while I allowed that side of me to show (2) I am very good at grand gestures. Even at that if I was a boy I won’t date me. Anyway we plugged along dramatic break ups, make ups, weeks of malice, me wanting to date other people, several tantrums which consisted of broken phones, tearing stuff and loads of drama. Most of the problems we faced in marriage were issues we already encountered whilst we where dating. We just never resolved them. We would often resolve the problems then by either breaking up or not speaking to each other for a while and then getting back together when we missed each other too much because despite everything he was and still is my best friend.

Best Friend Image

Which version of the bible are you reading? The only specification the bible gives for choosing a spouse is that the person be born-again. So in theory if the person is a born again christian this shouldn’t be a problem. My husband is a born again christian however, we come from two different *brands* of christianity. I come from a *brand* of christianity that believes “the violent taketh it by force”, fire-brand tongue speaking, John the Baptist model which I have been attending since 1987. Practically since I was born. My husband however was from a more subdue Anglican background. This was the only area that caused me to have doubts when he asked me to marry him. Because I firmly believe once God is driving your affairs any challenge you have can be overcome. Never mind that he was born again and was exhibiting more of the fruit of the spirit than I was. If he didn’t have my fire-brand kind of christianity then he didn’t know God enough. I was surprised when my father who is a pastor said this wasn’t true. However, I wasn’t prepared to listen. After all he didn’t know him like I did. For a long time I tried very unsuccessfully to get him to my own way of christianity, why don’t you dance in church (he never dances anywhere), you need to be more forceful when you pray, no you can’t have heard from God cause you are not spiritual enough, bla bla bla. Letting this go and understanding that he  is the spiritual head of the home was a big challenge to me (truth be told I still struggle with this sometimes). However, he has proves that God hears him and has testimonies to the effect so who am I to judge him. I am gradually learning to mind my own spiritual business.  Focus on my own christian journey (there is a lot I still have to learn) God would minister to everyone in his own unique way. If there is anything I think he needs to learn pray about and leave it to the Spirit of God because no one can change anybody.

Personality traits

Personality Traits Chart

Did you say it isn’t the Mira show ? Being quiet a dramatic person. Marriage isn’t all about me. Even when I think I am trying to make it better the other person thinks there are also trying to do so too. I have a very serious personality and frequently make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am predominately choleric while my husband is mostly phlegmatic as you can see our personalities are at the two opposite ends of the scale. Our reactions to issues are pretty much opposite. For example , I am a very tidy person and if you read my blog you would know I am obsessive cleaner most of my free time is spent doing one form of cleaning or the other. My husband on the other hand is more carefree in his approach to a clean house. His motto is “leave everything within your reach that way you never have to look for anything”. You can see how this would be a problem for someone who is likely to give the bathroom a good scrub before she has a bath.   When I wake up especially on a weekend I have an agenda in mind. Sort out the washing, scrub the bathroom clean, clean, clean and the first thing I do is to delegate a role to each family member. I forget its weekend and they want to rest. I am also guilty of forgetting breakfast. I used to get so upset when I tell my hubby to get up and clean and he would just ignore me and say when I am ready. As far as I was concerned we should clean first, have a bath, eat and the rest. However, I have learnt that the more I nag and use not so subtle reminders the more he resists. I started observing then when I just let him be he would eventually do it.  Joyce Meyer said she has learnt that men have very bad short-term memory so the more you remind them, the more they forget :-).

I am not sure I would ever be  totally relaxed about an unclean house.  This is something I inherited from my dad. In his case it became a prayer point because it was making him so unhappy. He even gave a testimony when he became free of this. People often say to me why can’t you just let go. The thing is I have a very physical reaction to an untidy place. I get goose pumps on my skin, I have trouble thinking and every problem just seems magnified.  For my husband it is a matter of control. I have a very domineering personality and when I try to plan his weekend its like I am trying to control him.  However, gradually I am learning to let go. I observed this weekend, I told my husband everything I wanted him to do in the morning, only reminded him once and by evening he had done everything I asked. Thanks love ♥

lovers poem

Talking to me? Put an address on it and mail it to someone who is  interested cause I am not.  In the early days I used to give my husband the silent treatment when he offended me. I wouldn’t speak to him for weeks.  I quickly learnt that I wasn’t doing myself any favours. God doesn’t answer the prayer of someone who has unforgiveness in their heart.  This has saved me several fruitless prayers and fasting (yes I used to keep malice even when I was fasting and on the way to church). When we meet each others eyes across the room we both start laughing and that’s the first step to that issue getting resolved. Obviously there is time to address an issue and time to let it go. Bayo has already discussed that so I would leave that for now.

Tomatoes, Tomatos who cares so far we have stew. Having a choleric temperament,  I feel I am always right and I am constantly trying to fight my corner. I can’t count how many times my husband would be leading us down the wrong route with the map on his phone and I worked along arguing behind him. People crossing the road try to get away from us. I don’t know why *winks* but we argued about direction a lot. How long it took to get there, who’s way was quicker etc. Most of the time it was things that didn’t matter. We were constantly on Google trying to get it to pick who had won. Sometimes I would ask myself how did we get here.  Why are we arguing about this, does it really matter? I am slowly learning to pick my battles. I still think I am right *winks* most of the time but I have learnt that my husband always realizes when I am right and does things my way when he thinks I am right. To be fair he respects my intelligence and is constantly banging on about me. However, I have to let him be right as well because sometimes (on just a few occasions) he is right as well :-). Most important, we are on the same side and we are both trying to make it work. It doesn’t matter how long  it takes so far we are happy during the journey.

Money matters.  We did have a few challenges with money. Again this was down to us having different ideas about money. My husband is a saver.  He sees money as some kind of security. For me I feel I work so hard and have very little time to play, once in a while I need to let my hair down. For a long time I stressed about always organizing days out, buying presents etc. Basically I wanted my husband to be my dad who is very good at buy presents and stuff. However, I soon realised if I am good at buying presents, clothes, organizing days out then I might as well take ownership of that. As a woman I still want to get wined/dined and have romantic days planned for me.  However, I have realized that we all have a part to play in our relationships. The reason we match with people who are complete opposite to us is because they complete the part of us where we are lacking. The funniest thing is once we have them we start trying to change them to be more like us. I am sure if my husband was more like me with money our finances would be in trouble. So learn to appreciate the difference in your spouse because most likely it’s making up for one of your weaknesses.

we argue and fight but by the end of the night we are alright

If she is worth it fight for her

Mentors. My father always said the only 3rd party in your marriage should be God and if occasion demands your children. I have never been good at allowing anyone to have to have a critical look at my marriage. Maybe its the choleric in me who wants to think she has everything under control or the fact that my dad has drummed this into my head so much its set in stone. Also, I am not very comfortable with people who say they have a perfect marriage and they never argue bla bla bla. I know this is possible, however I think it’s mostly due to the person’s personality. I have a friend that never argues with her husband. She would rather tell me what he did than have an argument with him. I find that really hard to understand. That said I have a friend that I occasionally speak to. The person is a christian and no husband or wife bashing is allowed.  I am free with this person because sometime they share with me so I feel close to them and I feel I can relate to them. The best advice I was given by this person was that as a family we should always pray together every night. Because of our different schedules my husband and I only prayed together at weekends. However, we took this advice and it help us greatly. You can’t be fighting and praying can you? My advice for mentors is pick people who have similar challenges and temperaments as you. That way you can relate to their challenges and you wont always feel condemned. If you find submission difficult and you choose someone who doesn’t have any issues with submission you are not going to benefit much from that mentorship. Because you would wonder how come they find its so easy and you would always feel condemned.  My spiritual mentors are Joyce and David Meyer. Joyce is a choleric and David a phlegmatic need I say more. I also love Jentezen Franklin because he too struggled with things I did, patience, anger etc. Kissing everyday  (I promised to do this in 2013) also helps as you can’t kiss someone you are angry with.

There are several other things I could add but I don’t want to make this post too long.  Things like sex (I did a post on that so you can catch up on it by clicking the link).  Taking each other for granted etc. However, all these might require a new post.

Please get in touch if you have any questions. Remember to share this post with anyone you think might need it. Feel free to email me personally @starmira1@yahoo.com if you are too shy to drop a comment. I would really love to hear from you. I hope you enjoyed reading

Literally A Shitty Day :-(

Taking a break from the heavy stuff (the marriage series) to share something just for laughs.

My morning runs are usually down to a tee. Every eventuality is prepared for before hand. However, anyone who has a child knows that when they throw a curve ball you can kiss your schedule goodbye. We usually leave the house at 7.15am to catch the 7.20am bus to the child-minders place. Last friday 01/02/2013 at 7.15am we were right on schedule to leave the house. Unfortunately, little one (LO) had other ideas and decided to do a poo. Usually this doesn’t faze me as I can change a diaper to military precision. Unfortunately for me LO is at the stage where he is very interested in what goes on down there. As soon as I opened the diaper, in came his hand trying to reach for his poo. I tried begging ,holding both hands, crying, threatening, to know no avail. 5 minutes later, half pack of wipes and one towel down we were literally covered in poo.

By now he was crying because I won’t let him eat the stuff, I kid you not. He also wanted me to carry him so he could decorate me with the stuff. Decision time do I plonk him in the bathroom and go late to work or wrap him in a bin liner take him to the minder and pretend not to know he is covered in poo. I was so upset.

While I was foaming in anger. I remembered a post by a blogger called Talin where she talked about her Jelly Bean moments (can find the post to link to it). This involves taking pleasure from little things when it feels like everything is going wrong. I looked in his cot and caught sight of a sweater I had recently purchased for him. I have a similar sweater and I thought how nice we would both look if we wore the sweater on the same day. I decided to do that on sunday. 20 minutes later having missed 3 buses. We where out of the door. At least I got Sundays outfit sorted what does it matter if I am late for work. :-).

mummy and baby

LO and I, matchy matchy

Thanks to everyone who has been reading the marriage series. For every one who took the time to drop a comment and get in touch I really appreciate you. If you however missed the series and would like to catch up on it please find –

OMG! They are getting married 1

OMG! They are getting married 2

OMG! They are getting married 3

I am currently writing my own experience. I can’t wait to share it with you guys.

XOXO.

OMG! They Are Getting Married Part 3

Hi Guys Part 3 of OMG I am getting married as promised. If you have missed out on the first two parts please catch up here and here. This part is written by a very good friend of mine, Bayo Daniels. He is one of those people who are so easy to relate to you feel you have known them forever. Here is his story.

Re-creating Your Marriage

When I speak to intending couples, I can’t help but wonder at the “fantasy” some of them have in their heads. I use the word “fantasy” losely because some of them could actually come true. You hear things like “my husband and I would travel to Morocco for our honeymoon for two-weeks”, “I want to enjoy my husband for at least a year before having a child”, “We are having just two children”, “My husband and I only – no family interference” etc. While some of these statements are reasonable, there is always a need for flexibility.

marriage pics

At the church where I worship, we are told that marriage is meant to be stress-free. However, I have heard/seen couples and write ups which denotes a slight variation from the “stress-free” notion and appears to give credence to a more real scenario in marriages. i.e. “…..When couples say that they don’t fight or argue in their marriages, yet they have a happy home, don’t misunderstand, it doesn’t mean that the opportunities to do so never come. It just means that they have made the decision to never allow such to be the story of their relationship….”

While many have the desire to get married, they are ridden with subconscious fears of what they might experience because of what they’ve seen in other marriages or in their own parents’ marriage. The fear of making mistakes even cripples some relationships before it starts. Some people become overly cautious and in the process run in and out of relationships. My parents divorced when I was four years old because my dad thought my mum was working too much, neglecting her children and him I guess. My mum on the other hand argues that she is business minded and only trying to work hard to make more money for the family. Years later, My mum would show me pictures of them (before the split) having the time of their lives at parties and family gatherings. Funny this thing called love. Till today, I wonder if the situation couldn’t have been resolved amicably.

Like someone rightly said, Marriage is the only institution where you get a certificate before you even settle down to write the exam. My philosophy is – Marriage is a race of faith because you have to create and recreate it until it becomes the picture you saw with the eyes of your mind. You might need to drop your “fantasies” when you finally enter the exam hall. A good illustration would be entering an exam hall and discovering the questions you previously practiced did not come out. What do you do? I can imagine you looking unto other questions and limiting the damage.

I met my wife in 2004. Though we were in the same choir, I never really spoke to her however; I was friends with her twin brother. I admired her reserved personality. She hardly got into any arguments with anyone and if you are in a choir you will know that this is nothing short of a miracle. It must have been destiny because I told her from the first day that I wanted to marry her. Her response was that we should be friends and see how it goes. I tell you, the journey went on for a good 5 years. I wouldn’t say it was an easy ride all the way but I became more or less like a friend of the family.

I met my wife when I had nothing except the blessing inside of me. She was hardworking. I mean HARDWORKING both at college and at her job. Due to my pending papers I could hardly do any worthwhile job. I was a volunteer clerk at a law firm being paid £200/month. My wife was understanding and encouraging. She didn’t run away with a rich man (lol) but stayed with me all through. I don’t know why, but securing my papers was the last thing we discussed. I touch on this issue because I know this is a crucial factor in some relationships. We did discuss it, don’t get me wrong but it was never the motive for continuing or discontinuing the relationship.

We decided to get married in 2009. We dedicated a separate account and saved a percentage of our salaries in it mainly for the wedding. Few weeks into the wedding preparation, I started noticing attitudes in my once “reserved” girlfriend. She became more opinionated about decisions and would coil up in her shell when she lost an argument. I began to wonder if all was well. I tried to understand her, I couldn’t and this got me really frustrated. However, I said to myself, she rarely talked and therefore should be given the opportunity to make decisions for the wedding. That sorted out what could have ended in a quarrel or disagreement. Our wedding was a blessed one and there were no major issue.

Finance was not really an issue; we had both joint and separate account. We jointly made decisions on major financial obligations. We cautioned each other when we were being wasteful. The truth had to be said even though it was argued or reluctantly accepted. You might be lucky and it all goes well for you through out your marriage life in regards to finances. But if, like us, you have down-times where one of you ain’t working, then you need to be prepared to cut cost drastically on luxury and excesses. If you have to go for the cheapest option on household items please do. We always reminded ourselves that it was just a bend and not an end. One mistake you might make is comparing your family or spouse to others. This has a tendency to lower the self-esteem of either the man or the woman. And the danger in this is the man/woman going ahead to take unnecessary steps like taking out a loan or credit card. My principle is live life with what you have at present and work hard to earn what you desire.

Sex – I desired it more than my wife and this was initially an issue. However, I had my shortcomings and had to learn stuff. Just like you would learn later on if you’re yet to be married. Men want it as soon as possible. Women always want a build up. Pre-sex romance (foreplay) prepares a woman before the actual act. There is a different place to touch to turn-on every woman. This varies from one person to another. Some it’s merely kissing and some you have to work harder. There are things to do to help a man not to finish his business quickly. Learning ways to spice up the act of intimacy is quite essential otherwise it becomes boring. Most problems in marriages are as a result of sex or money. I’ve come to understand that your relationship with your spouse would be strained if your sex-life is. A problem in your sex life affects the prayer altar as a family. Don’t ask me to pray when you refused to do your spousal duty of having sex with me. Don’t ask me to cook for you when you can’t really make me happy in the bedroom. Every man is different and every woman is different. Study each other, discover where the pleasure points are and you would be just fine.

One of the most trying times is when the woman has just given birth. Anything ranging from loss of libido (sexual desire) to changes in moods could occur. This is when discipline is cultivated by force and also a crucial time for communication and understanding. The woman is trying to cater for the needs of two (the man and the child). The woman is frustrated that the man does not understand, the man is frustrated that his sexual needs are not been met, yet he is obliged to be happy at the arrival of the baby who has come to encroach on his territory.

Mood Swings. Why did she suddenly change? Why did he just snap at me? These questions would always crop up. Learn when to approach your spouse. Some women get mood swings during their monthly period and you wonder if anything is wrong – nothing is wrong, just hormonal changes. He’s had a bad day at work or at the car park – he snaps at you – know when and how to re-approach him. Don’t snap back and create a scene. A soft answer turns away wrath.

Friends – let your spouse know your friends both male and female. If possible introduce them. Friends from the past who suddenly spring up should be introduced. If possible, try to have common friends. I am thankful for the wife I have because most of my friends are female. Most of them are also her friends but there are limitations in order to avoid problems. My wife learnt the hard way, so take note.

Career – while setting goals, put your family into consideration and carry them along. The risk of not doing so is unhappiness on the part of your spouse even when you succeed. Don’t lose your esteem when your spouse is more successful than you. You have truly become one and his/her success is yours.

I can go on and on but let me save you from getting bored.

Finally, the number of books you read on relationships and marriage is not a yardstick for a successful marriage because no two marriages are the same. The mistake most people make is trying to create the circumstances written in the book rather than living the principles stated to suit the situation they’ve found themselves. If faith is the substance of things hoped and faith without works is foolishness, then it follows that hoping for a sweet marriage without working at it won’t produce the desired results. What do you see? Work at it. The more I look at my wife in comparison to my other female friends who I could have married…the more I see reasons why they wouldn’t have been the one. I had options but God gave me a wife suitable for me.

OMG! They Are Getting Married Part 2

Hi Guys, I want to apologize for my oops moment on Saturday with the title of my blog post. I know its in-excusable. At the last-minute I changed the title of the post and just clicked publish because I had proof read it and bang I couldn’t take my typo back. It was there, out for the whole world to see. Soo embarrassing. I promise to be more thorough next time. Thank you guys for still taking the time to read the article any way.

Unto my post for today. I am very very excited about this post. I know I promised to put up a write-up from Bayo Daniel next, However when I saw this I was just too excited just had to post this now. This write-up is from someone I have only recently gotten to know. Technically, I have known her for a while but we never really talked. However, when we finally did I was pleasantly surprised at how much we have in common and what a witty person she is. It was her honesty and willingness to share that made me ask her to contribute to this series. PS she also has a lovely voice. Straight to the post then

My Marital Journey So Far – By Sarah Mbadiwe

marriage picture

Sarah and DH


I’ve thought of a number of ways to approach this article. What was most important to me was to write a piece that was my personal truth and most of all encouraging. The statistics in failed marriages do enough to prove to us that marriage takes work and if left unattended it can very quickly become difficult until differences become irreconcilable as the most common ‘reason’ for divorce has shown.

I start by saying that marriage is not an ordinary institution; it is divine in origin because it came from God. Therefore it should place a sense of responsibility and accountability on the parties involved to be faithful, not only to each other but to the vows made in the sight of God. The demise of marriage in today’s world has a direct correlation to the Godless society we have become. We have sought to separate the book from its author so that we can escape accountability.

I believe each marriage is specific and unique to the people who make up that union. It is nothing short of a miracle to expect two people from different backgrounds and experiences to lay aside those influences in order to create a new identity as one, but then I guess true love too is divine in nature. Still for some, there may be moments of discomfort, miscommunication and sometimes longing for your own space again. My first year was much like that.

I met my husband in 2010, the following year we were married. It wasn’t without its struggles and oppositions from loved ones who were concerned that we were not ready. However true to our faith that we were in Gods perfect will we forged ahead.

My husband is everything I wanted in a man. He is God-fearing, confident, honest and absolutely gorgeous; no doubt I am all those things to him too! He was also everything I needed but I didn’t know, or immediately appreciate in my first year of marriage. For the most part, our personalities compliment each other. However, in those moments were we occasionally lost sight of our specific roles and responsibilities as husband and wife (most times that was me) there was conflict. For instance my husband loves communication and clarification. I thought I did too, until I met him; man he can explain! However I learnt to appreciate that it was a wonderful quality about him because for a man to be so willing to communicate in such detail meant that he didn’t bottle his feelings up inside.

As Christians we both agreed that the bible was the final authority on every issue and having this as our bedrock we knew that no situation was above the word of God. Therefore when issues came up, we would take time out and seek counsel in the word, individually and as a couple. However sometimes in our immaturity it wasn’t before a few heated words and raised voices. Admittedly I was very stubborn and defensive in the first year, always fighting my corner, but really that’s a waste of time and most of all absolutely unnecessary, when you remember you are on the same side.

We experienced some financial hardship in the first year and four months in I became pregnant. Let’s just say strained finances and pregnancy hormones can be a bad combination and leave it there!

In hindsight there are many things I would do differently had I known what I know now, the first being:
1) I would never let a temporary situation affect a permanent decision. Three months after the hardest period of our financial troubles, my husband was finally able to get a job and we have never had financial issues since. With this area resolved, we saw most of our squabbles disappear, funny that!
2) Tones and timing. It is not enough to communicate but special care must be giving to how and when you raise a matter of concern; I wasn’t very good at that in the first year!
3) I would rest in his love for me.
4) I would trust that every decision he makes places our happiness and well-being first.
5)) I would give him a break more and realise that he is new at this too.
6) I would loosen up a little and certainly laugh more.
7) I would accept that communication is a necessary thing.
8) I would put my girlie emotions under check and finally I would never lose sight that
9) God is at the centre of our union and His thoughts for us are for good and not evil; to give us a future and a hope and to bring us to His expected end (Jeremiah 29:11). God will never leave His children to fail and so I know that my marriage can never fail but only get better!

My husband truly is my best friend, my greatest supporter. Likewise, no one believes in him and encourages his development and ambitions more than I do. Time has taught me and continues to teach me not to be too nitpicky or defensive because we are one and squabbling with him means I am squabbling with myself, which is effectively madness.

While my journey has only begun (2yrs in April), I do believe now that true and lasting love is firm and committed, it’s not governed by feelings or good days and bad. It’s rooted in selfless commitment to each other, whatever the weather; forgiveness; placing the others needs above your own and not taking things so seriously. Understanding this has been key and generally understanding each other’s personalities and given us permission to be ourselves has certainly made the journey not only easier but more fun!

We are still writing the pages of our life and ‘forever’ is a long time but certainly the second year has seen countless improvements on the first!

More to come guys from a man’s perspective this time around, so watch out for part 3. Please feel free to share by dropping your comments and getting in touch.

XOXO

OMG! They Are Getting Married Part 1

At the beginning of the week, I said in my new year post that I was going to do a series about marriage. I am doing this because soo many special people in my life are getting married and I have decided to share. However since I do not know everything, I have recruited some of my married friends to join me in this series. Most of them are young couples. The reason I have selected them is because most of the challenges you need to overcome in marriage are in the early stages. That is when two people from different ways of thinking, reasoning and understanding are trying to become one. According to Jacques Lacan we can never effectively communicate with someone until we have shared the same experiences.

Statistics say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. 30% of marriages end in their first year. However, the good news is

more than 70 percent of all first marriages succeed. 70% of all people who have ever been married are still married to the same person!

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The secret is getting it right the first time. Get the foundation right and keep it sailing from there. I am a Christian and my marriage principles are based on the bible. My bible says if the foundation be destroyed what can the righteous do. I have to stop here and Introduce you to the first writer (sorry Naomi for hogging the page)

Some background on the lovely Naomi Falusi. Naomi has been married for 5 years and has a lovely baby girl. We sing in the choir together. She is brilliant with numbers and a camera.

couples pic

Naomi and HD

This is her experience.

When Mira asked me to write about my marriage experience, I was very reluctant but excited at the same time. I was not sure how much I wanted to divulge, from our meeting, wedding and now our life together.
Here goes; I had always wanted to get married early, I knew most of the things I wanted in a man (or I thought I did).I had prayed about him for a long time and I was receptive to God`s will. We met in the oddest of places, in a town centre-I was trying to sell him Insurance (Mortgage),he kept asking me all these questions about my studies and ambitions, I dismissed him and gave him my business card. Few months later he called and after a few more months we met and a relationship began. Even while dating, the prayer was always for God to lead me in His perfect will.

The beginning of our marriage was not the smoothest, I had prayed and was sure this was God`s perfect man for me.We didn`t have family support at first, they thought I was still too young, but in all God showed Himself strong and we got married in July 2008.

MARRIED LIFE

July 2013 will be our 5th wedding anniversary, God has been really good. We have overcome different challenges. But the most important thing I will highlight is that we complement each other, I am very outgoing, playful, and carefree while He is very reserved, patient and gentle. In the early days of our marriage I tried unsuccessfully to be like him but I was so frustrated trying. I tried to be quiet, calm, relaxed but He advised me that he loved me for who I am and that our house will be a boring place if we were both alike.

Marriage is definitely not a piece of cake, it`s not for the faint hearted. It requires a conscious effort of trying new things, adding flavour and constant prayers. The danger I was almost falling into at the beginning was to almost take him for granted because of His gentleness. We have different views on some issues but we always find a common ground .I don`t consider him stupid neither does he consider my opinions silly. Communication is key in our marriage. No matter how trivial the issue might seem, we never go to bed without resolving it. I have never slept with a grudge or outstanding issue unsolved. Even when he is in a different country. I will call and make sure it is sorted before I sleep.

I had to share my money, it was no longer mine but our money. I am an accountant but I am horrible at managing my finances but he does it so well, he should not be studying Architecture. I learnt to be accountable in my spending. We are at a stage now where we are accountable to each other financially.

Sexual issues-mmmm.I read somewhere once that your partner is not a mind reader, he doesn`t know what you like or don`t like. Sexual intimacy is a gift from God, couples who enjoy a mutually satisfying sexual intimacy are generally happy people*winks*.

My advice for anyone getting married will be to pray and make sure that person is the one, I always jokingly tell my husband we are in this together, this ship must sail.

Please watch out for part 2 which would be written by my lovely friend Bayo Daniel. Someone once said this of him you make marriage look easy.

I would love to get your feed back on this series. Please feel free to drop a comment or contact me.. You can also find my email address on my about me page.
XOXO

YoUrs or MiNe?

man and woman arguing

man and woman arguing 2

First of all I would like to start with an apology to all those that are going to spent at least 5 to 10 minutes of their lives reading this article. This is because I am addressing an issue which I think in all honesty is a non–issue. So why am I writing about it.  Again, someone asked me to. I would also like to get your thoughts on this issue or non-issue depending on your opinion.

Now to the issue.

IF A WOMAN ALREADY HAS A HOUSE BEFORE GETTING MARRIED, WHERE SHOULD THEY LIVE? Should my husband move in with me or should I rent/sell my flat and move into his own place i.e a place he has rented?

My answer – If you are both insane by all means rent out your flat and move.

According to the person posing the question “men have their ego and all”. So this move is based purely on the guy’s pride. Him not wanting to live in a woman’s house.

I really don’t know where to start because this has left me in danger of having a RANT.

I mean really, with the average price of a one bed flat in London at £82,000, you should be happy she had the good sense to get on the property market when she did.  According to my peeps “shoe get size”. If you saw that she was too big for you why did you go there?

Honestly should a woman now get penalized because she is successful? This idea that your life has to stop mid–way or Post-University until you find a man is really putting unnecessary pressure on sisters. Women marriage does not define who you are. Full stop.  If a man has low self-esteem please stay clear because where do draw the line.

  • Do you resign from your higher paid job because you out earn him?
  • Swap for CRV for a clio
  • Swap your Gucci for Primark.

Note I am not saying stick to shopping high-end,   I am saying if you have it already then why can’t you share it why must you give it up just to be with him.

In this era when you both share the bills and responsibilities in the house. What is the wisdom in renting out your house just to go and rent from someone else?  (NOTE; I am not talking about moving because of location constrains or mortgage repayment constrains no just ego constrains). Won’t you still contribute to the house when you move? Why doesn’t he just take over the mortgage instead? Or contribute to it.

Please sisters’ marriage is forever so be careful about the compromise you make just because you want to get into it. When the wedding dress is removed, the bridesmaids are gone and ever after begins, think about this can I live with this forever?

Besides marriage is a joint venture why is there really an issue it’s our house.

Is there a place for an open and frank discussion on sex in the church?

Sex in marriage

I would be the first to say yes. But the truth is can we really be that open about sex?

Even with friends and family we struggle. In my own experience it’s only my friends who are not Christian’s that really open up about sex. It is like we never get over the “sex before marriage is a sin hush hush” even after we marry.

During marriage counselling I was given a book – The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim F. LaHaye and Beverly LaHaye and this was supposed to get me sorted. But what if I read the book followed the instructions and things don’t work out as planned? I am not supposed to watch porn or erotica as a Christian soooo…….. What next.  I was told sex is an instinct when you get there you would know what to do. Really that simple?  Then why are so many people getting it wrong.

Sex is a big deal, even amongst matured people. The truth is that not very one is comfortable talking about it and if you are not comfortable talking about it there is no way you can give advice on it because sex is private, very private and very individual so what might work for you, might not tick my box.  Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all approach so just giving a broad talk about the subject might not solve the problem for everyone.

Also a basic Q &A session at a marriage seminar might not also do the trick as people are really too shy to go down and dirty in public.  Besides the unmarried also have a right to know about sex.

(I have a friend who ended a relationship because her boyfriend confessed to having had sexual thoughts about her and she felt that in itself was dirty and showed he had no regard for her and wasn’t really born again. Talk about misinformed).

A highly spiritual marriage counsellor might not be the best person to talk about sex because being spiritual and knowing about sex might not in itself correlate. Now I am not saying that spiritual people are not sexual. I am just saying that being spiritual is not all you need to be a good marriage counsellor. I have seen many a friend express disappointments at the sexual counselling they received during the preparation for marriage. I have even seen some go ahead to become scared of sex in marriage seeing it as something to be endured “cause you have to give it to him when even he wants it, so your man would not stray”.  To that I say I am not a robot.

Some people might not fully understand this post. But I come from an environment where religion is so often mixed with culture that the lines have become blurred. All I hear is how to please your man etc etc. .

  • Sex in marriage is often portrayed as a duty you have to perform whether you want to or not to ward of infidelity.
  • Oral sex is portrayed as dirty.

The truth is that

  • Women enjoy sex too. It’s not only about the man.
  • Some men really need to learn how to do it.  Just sticking it in doesn’t mean you are doing it right.
  • Some women have a higher sexual drive than their partners
  • Many women do not enjoy sex. Not because of their inability to but because their man isn’t just doing it right. (I am not talking about women who have a sexual disorder)

Marriage is a union between two people. It is not about one person or the other it’s about the two of you.  Sex should be about the two of you coming together to do what you are both comfortable with. What you do and how far down and dirty you are prepared to go (within the guidance of the bible) is entirely up to you. Whether it be  missionary or hanging of a pole.

A friend of mine once suggested that all the young married couples should get together and have a frank thought about sex in marriage. I would be glad to oblige but even between the two of us we struggled to find 5 other couples that would be willing to open up.

What is your opinion?